Superimposing Today's Standard Upon Yesterday's Pioneers

Dear Candidate Paul:

Do you think it seemly for a missionary to do part-time secular work?  We heard that you have been making and repairing tents on the side.  In a letter to the church at Philippi that turned up in our survey you admitted that they were the only church supporting you.  We wonder why?

Is it also true that you have a jail record?  Certain brethren have reported to us that you did two years of jail time at Caesarea and that you had done further jail time at Rome.

Reports have also reached us about how you caused so much trouble to the business men at Ephesus that they refer to you as, “the man who turned the world upside down!” Sensationalism has no place in missions!  We also want to be on record as saying that we deplore the lurid over-the-wall episode at Damascus.  We are frankly appalled at your obvious lack of conciliatory behavior.  Diplomatic men are not stoned and dragged out of the city gate by furious mobs.  Have you ever considered that gentler words might gain more friends?   I enclose a copy of Dalius Carnagus' book, "How To Win Jews And Influence Greeks."

Further- in one of the letters that was brought to our attention you refer to yourself as, Paul the aged.  Our strict missions policies regarding age really do not allow for anyone to go to the mission field who is not in the peak of physical health.  After all, we can better win the Greeks if our missionaries look like Greek gods.

We understand too that you are a man given to dreams and fantasies.  It is reported that you claim, at Troas, to have seen a man of Macedonia in some sort of dream.  There are also whispers that you claim to have been caught up into the third Heaven.  We reckon that more realistic and practical methods are needed to reach the world.

We also have the records of many letters that you have written to former churches where you ministered.   In one of those letters you actually accused a poor church member of living with his father's wife, and you caused the whole church to feel badly about this.  We understand that the alleged offender was actually put out of the membership over this slanderous incident.

We have also come to the conclusion that your ministry has been far too flighty to be considered as successful.  First Asia Minor, then Macedonia, then Greece, then Italy... and now we understand that you are talking about some wild-goose chase into Spain!  Really, Paul; we believe that concentration is more important than dissipation of one's powers.

We must also say, although it pains us to do so, that we do not believe that you are really a good team player!  In a recent sermon it was reported that you said; God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of Christ.  Really, Paul; it seems to us that you should also want to glory in our Board heritage, our denominational program and the unified budget.

You also have a questionable reputation as to the length of your sermons.  Word has reached us that at one meeting you talked until after midnight and a poor young man was so sleepy that he fell out of the window and broke his neck!  Our experience has shown us that nobody is saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon anyway.  "Stand- speak up- shut up!"  That's our advice.

Sadly, your medical report does not look encouraging for one who would be accepted as a missionary candidate.  Dr. Luke reports that you are a bald, thin, little man who is sick much of the time and who gets so agitated over his churches that he sometimes has trouble sleeping at night.

The good doctor also reports that you pad around the house praying for half of the night.  A healthy mind and a robust body is our policy, sir.   A good nights sleep will give you zest and zip, so that you'll wake up full of zing!

And then, there is the matter of the recent letter that you wrote to a young, impressionable, preacher candidate (I believe that his name was, Timothy) in which you talked about how you had, fought a good fight?  Fighting is hardly a recommendation for one who would seek to be a missionary with our Board.  You also boast that you fought with wild beasts at Ephesus.  What on earth does that mean?  What sort of people do you associate with?

Brother Paul, it hurts me to tell you this, but in all the twenty-five years of my experience I have never encountered a missionary candidate who was so un-suited for the work of missions.  Our missions board has authorized me to say that if we were to approve your application, we would break every rule of modem missionary practice.  We must, therefore, reject your application.

With our best hopes that you will find something to do; on behalf of the Board, I am,

Most Sincerely Yours,

J. Flavius Fluffyhead
“Arm-chair” Missionary General
Missions-R-Us